As I sit here reflecting on my journey, I realise how far I’ve come from the person I once was. There was a time in my life when I felt like I was trapped in a body I couldn’t control, constantly fighting against a mind that told me I wasn’t good enough. And for so many years, I believed it.
I was that "chubby" kid—the one whose self-esteem was chipped away every time I was teased about my size.
As a child, I wasn’t thin like all the girls I went to school with, I lacked confidence and had no friends. I was often excluded from groups at sporting events and was always the last one to be chosen for school projects. I hated going to school; I hated everything about the world, I wanted to disappear.
I never realised it at the time, but those early experiences planted seeds that would grow into something much darker. When you're constantly told you're not enough, you start to believe it. And I believed it with all my heart.
By the time I hit my teenage years, I felt more alone that imaginable- when all ‘my friends’ were talking about boys, I was doing my best to avoid them as I had 3 brothers, I didn’t know what all the fuss was about!
I tried everything I could to be the version of myself that I thought people wanted to see. But no matter how hard I tried, I always felt like I was falling short.
In my mind, the only way to finally be enough—finally be seen—was to be perfect. It has been ingrained in me that if I was ‘thin’ I would have friends and be happy! Maybe then I would be worthy of love and respect. Maybe then I could finally be accepted.
And so, it began- countless exercise sessions, running morning and night, skipping in the garage, reassuring my parents it was “part of a PE challenge for school”- I kept a food diary, I counted calories, I starved all day if I knew I had to go out for dinner with my family- anorexia had become my ‘best friend’!-, let’s be honest, my only friend!
Unless you live it, It’s hard to describe what it feels like to be consumed by something like this. On the outside, it might have seemed like I was in control like I had the world at my feet. But inside, I was unravelling. I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I couldn’t see the person I had once been— the girl who loved to laugh, the girl who had dreams, the girl who deserved so much more than what she was giving herself- but none of that seemed important, I was now ’thin’!
For 15 long years, I lived in this dark, empty place, drowning in a toxic mixture of shame, fear, and self-hatred. I didn’t believe I deserved to be happy or healthy. I didn’t believe I deserved anything. I was so far removed from the person I wanted to be, I didn’t even know if she existed anymore.
After I turned 18 and left home, restriction went to alcohol, drugs, I was trapped in a vicious cycle just to ‘fit in’ and it felt like there was no escape.
But somewhere, deep down, I knew I wanted to get out, and 15 years later, I did. I can’t point to one single moment of clarity or one grand revelation that pulled me out of the darkness, but with time, patience, and a lot of help, I slowly began to heal. Recovery wasn’t easy. It wasn’t a straight path, and there were many days when I wanted to give up. But bit by bit, I started to see myself differently. I began to accept that I was enough as I was.
Today, I am no longer trapped by the grips of anorexia. I am no longer defined by the size of my body or the number on a scale. I have found peace in who I am—inside and out. And most importantly, I have learned to love myself in a way I never thought possible.
But my journey doesn’t end with me. I have made it my mission to share my story with others.
To work with children and adolescents who are also struggling with body image, self-worth, and the pressures to fit in- I want them to know that I truly understand, I can hear them and want to support them.
To remind them that they are so much more than the number on the scale, the clothes they wear, or how they look compared to someone else and although it doesn’t feel like, there is always a way out.
When I look back at the girl I was—the one who thought she wasn’t good enough, the one who thought she could never be happy—I can’t help but feel a deep sense of compassion for her. I want to hug her, tell her that she matters, that she deserves to take up space, that she is more than enough.
Your life is full of hope and possibilities. It won’t be easy and at times you will feel like giving it all away but recovery is possible! and trust me when I tell you, the fight is worth the reward....freedom!
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