Am I Doing Recovery Right? When Perfectionism Follows You Into Eating Disorder Recovery

Recovery isn't another thing you need to be perfect at.

Beginning recovery from an eating disorder is often described as a positive step towards health, freedom and a different relationship with food and the body.

And while it certainly can be all of these things, recovery can also be incredibly challenging, particularly for someone who has spent much of their life striving to get everything right.

For some people, perfectionism doesn't simply disappear when they begin recovering from an eating disorder.

Instead, it can follow them into recovery, quietly changing its appearance.

The pressure to eat perfectly replaces the pressure to restrict. The need to follow rules shifts towards following a recovery plan exactly. And the desire to achieve can become an expectation to recover quickly, consistently and without setbacks.

Suddenly, recovery itself becomes another area where someone feels they might be failing.

When recovery becomes another set of expectations

Perfectionism can play a significant role in the development and maintenance of some eating disorders, although it is certainly not present for everyone.

For those who experience it, perfectionism often involves more than simply having high standards.

It can be closely connected to self-worth, control, fear of failure, anxiety and the belief that making mistakes means something negative about who they are.

Someone living with an eating disorder may have developed rigid expectations around food, exercise, body shape or achievement.

When recovery begins, these patterns don't necessarily disappear.

They might instead sound like:

• "I should be further along by now."

• "I followed my meal plan yesterday, so why can't I do it today?"

• "Other people seem to be recovering faster than me."

• "I shouldn't still be struggling with my body image."

• "If I have a difficult day, I'm going backwards."

• "I should be able to manage this without so much support."

What began as a commitment to recovery can gradually become another set of standards against which someone judges themselves.

And this can be exhausting.

The pressure to be a 'good' recovery patient

Something I notice in eating disorder work is how easily people can become concerned about whether they are doing recovery correctly.

They may worry about disappointing their treatment team, frustrating their family or not making enough progress.

Some become particularly focused on being the person who always follows the plan, completes every challenge and appears motivated.

Of course, nutritional rehabilitation, consistent eating and working towards treatment goals are important parts of recovery.

However, there is a difference between being supported to make necessary changes and believing that your worth depends on how perfectly you achieve them.

When someone experiences a setback, the perfectionistic response might be harsh self-criticism:

"I've ruined everything."

"I'm hopeless at this."

"I should be able to do better."

These thoughts can increase shame, anxiety and avoidance, making it even harder to engage with recovery.

Rather than helping someone move forward, perfectionism can become another barrier.

Recovery is not a competition

Comparison can also become particularly difficult during eating disorder recovery.

Someone might compare how much they are eating, how quickly they are progressing, how they feel about their body or how much support they continue to need.

Social media can sometimes reinforce these comparisons by presenting recovery as a series of visible achievements.

But recovery is deeply individual.

Two people with similar eating disorder diagnoses may have very different experiences, histories, relationships, circumstances and support needs.

One person may find eating more manageable but continue to experience significant body image distress.

Another may have made considerable progress with flexibility around food but still struggle with anxiety, uncertainty or the need for control.

Neither person's experience makes their recovery more or less valid.

Recovery isn't about being ahead of someone else. It's about gradually building a life in which the eating disorder has less influence.

A difficult day doesn't mean you're back at the beginning

One of the challenges of perfectionism is all-or-nothing thinking.

Things can begin to feel either successful or unsuccessful, right or wrong, progress or failure.

But eating disorder recovery rarely follows such a predictable path.

There may be days when eating feels manageable and other days when even familiar foods feel challenging.

Body image distress may fluctuate.

Old thoughts may become louder during periods of stress, change or uncertainty.

And sometimes someone may need additional support, even after a period of progress.

None of this automatically means that previous progress has disappeared.

What matters is how these difficulties are recognised and responded to.

Can the person reach out for support rather than withdrawing?

Can they return to their nutritional plan after a difficult experience rather than allowing the eating disorder to take over?

Can they begin to recognise that struggling doesn't make them a failure?

Importantly, self-compassion doesn't mean ignoring concerning eating disorder behaviours or minimising the need for nutritional rehabilitation. Setbacks may require additional treatment, medical monitoring or changes to the support plan.

It means responding to difficulties with care, curiosity and appropriate support rather than punishment and shame.

Learning to tolerate uncertainty

For some people, perfectionism provides a sense of safety.

Rules, routines and expectations can make an unpredictable world feel more manageable.

An eating disorder may initially offer a sense of certainty or control, even as it progressively restricts someone's life.

Recovery often asks the person to begin doing the opposite.

To eat even when it feels uncomfortable.

To allow flexibility when plans change.

To challenge beliefs that have felt convincing for a long time.

To accept that they cannot always predict how their body will feel or how quickly their recovery will progress.

This can be frightening.

And it is one reason why recovery involves so much more than simply changing what someone eats.

It also involves exploring the emotional and psychological functions the eating disorder may have served and developing other ways of managing distress.

For someone who has relied heavily on perfectionism, learning to tolerate uncertainty may be a significant part of this work.

What might a different approach to recovery look like?

Rather than asking, "Am I doing recovery perfectly?", it may be helpful to begin asking different questions.

Am I approaching myself with curiosity rather than criticism?

When something feels difficult, can I explore what happened without immediately judging myself?

Am I allowing myself to receive support?

Can I recognise that needing help doesn't mean I am failing?

Am I becoming more flexible?

Can I gradually challenge the rules and expectations that keep me feeling stuck?

Am I measuring progress only through achievements?

Or can I begin to recognise progress in the way I respond to challenges, communicate my needs and reconnect with the things that matter to me?

Am I making space for a life beyond the eating disorder?

Because ultimately, recovery is not simply about becoming better at following a different set of rules.

It is about developing greater freedom, flexibility and connection with yourself and others.

You don't have to earn recovery

Perhaps one of the most important messages for someone struggling with perfectionism is this:

You do not need to prove that you are deserving of recovery.

You don't have to be the most motivated person in treatment.

You don't have to manage every challenge without distress.

And you don't need to feel positive about your body every day to continue taking meaningful steps towards recovery.

You can feel uncertain and still move forward.

You can find things difficult and still deserve support.

You can experience setbacks and continue working towards change.

Recovery requires commitment, nourishment, support and often considerable courage. But it doesn't require perfection.

You are allowed to be a person who is recovering, rather than someone who has to perform recovery perfectly.

And sometimes, learning to let go of that pressure is an important part of the recovery process itself.

Support for eating disorder recovery

At Stepping Stones with Helen Dean, I work with adolescents and adults experiencing eating disorders, disordered eating, body image difficulties and the emotional challenges that can accompany recovery.

As both an Accredited Practising Dietitian and Registered Counsellor, I bring together nutrition therapy and counselling to explore not only eating behaviours, but also the thoughts, emotions, relationships and patterns that can make change difficult.

Support is available in Ivanhoe East, Melbourne, and via telehealth.